Hating God

Since being out as an atheist, I have been accused many times of hating God. No matter how many times I explain that it’s rather impossible to hate someone that I believe doesn’t exist, the same allegation still comes up, many times by the same person. Maybe there are people who honestly can’t comprehend that some people just truly don’t believe in a god, and view my stated disbelief as a sort of rebellion, a childish way of lashing back at God out of anger.  They cannot conceive of never believing, because in their mind God is as real to them as the air they breathe, so it's impossible to accept actual disbelief from others.    

(Unfortunately, they don’t take this far enough to examine why I might be angry with God if that were the case…usually I’m told some variation of “you want to sin without feeling bad about it” or “you’re angry that God doesn’t give you everything you wanted.” These are both wildly inaccurate, and make me look like a petulant teenager, which might be why some believers I've encountered are so dismissive and condescending towards me. I want to explore both of these in more detail later, so stick a pin in them. Right now, all I can say is that this characterization is just plain wrong. For more insight, you can read a little about why I no longer believe in God.)

I also think that there are some believers who confuse my hatred of the atrocities of religion, and my hatred of how some believers treat other people, as a hatred for God. And while it would be too strong to say I hate religion, because I do think that good things have come out of religions (maybe in spite of the religion itself), I do hate irrationality, intolerance, cruelty, evil, and the many, many other negative effects that religions have had on our world. (I don’t have the time for a total overview; that would take a book, many books. The best book I know on the subject and one I recommend everyone read, religious, atheist, or indifferent, is: Why Are You Atheists So Angry? 99 Things That Piss Off the Godless.)

Yesterday, however, I came the closest I've ever come to truly hating God. 

God Saved Me?

This is a repost of something I posted on facebook.

I need to talk about something that is deeply upsetting and problematic to me, but I'm afraid that it's going to offend people that I care about. So let me state up front that offending people is not at all my intention.

A year and a half ago, I nearly died. That's not hyperbole; it's fact. It took three emergency surgeries before the doctor believed I even had a hope of surviving, but for the first couple days, my loved ones were told that there was a good chance I wasn't going to make it. In fact, if I had been older, not in good health otherwise, or were it three years ago (before the technology used to save my life was invented), they wouldn't have even attempted to save me. I would have died.

Almost immediately, I was told in one way or another, "God saved your life."

To which I have to respond: "I don't have the words to convey how offensive that is."

(Let me try to find the words.)

Why I Don't Belive in God

It wasn’t because of  a tragedy.

It had nothing to do with those who call themselves followers of Christ, and yet do evil.

It’s not youthful rebellion, or a way to get back at my parents. (Note: I mean, it's really, really not.  My biggest regret about losing my faith is the hurt it causes my folks.  I get really fucking tired of this assertion.)

It wasn’t because I wanted carte blanche to run my life as I wanted.

It wasn’t because I wanted to be different.

It wasn’t because I wanted to cause trouble.

It wasn’t something I went looking for.

And when I finally accepted it, it was with deep reluctance, and I still wished there was some way to go back.

Atheism, Agnosticism, and Humanism

Labels, labels, labels. 

I dislike "atheist" as a label because, a) it really doesn't tell you anything other than "I don't believe in God," b) makes god belief the default, which I think is a mistake, and c) the word comes with a lot of baggage. 

But it's because of that baggage that I don't hesitate to tell people I'm an atheist.  People need to realize that atheists aren't immoral, baby-eating pedophiles who want to kill and rape with impunity.  They also should know that many atheists (most atheists that I know, actually) used to be sincere Christians.  In fact, in my experience (all anecdotal, of course, though I'd be interested to see someone study this) often an effort to be a better Christian, studying apologetics and church history, biblical criticism and exegesis, leads people first out of fundamentalism and biblical literalism (which cannot withstand serious, honest scrutiny), and then out of belief all together.

I have come out as an atheist to friends and family (and, more anonymously, online), for much the same reasons that I came out as a lesbian.  First, I dislike being dishonest, and I'm bad at it.  My mom and I are very close, and I can't keep a secret for long.  I couldn't play the game anymore; much like when I was playing at being straight, I knew all the right things to say and do, but it didn't take long before play-acting started making me sick.  Also, as I said, I know that most people who hate atheists (and gay people, for that matter), do so because they don't know (or think they don't know) any.  Just by being honest, I can open people's minds, a little. 

But calling myself an atheist is starting to feel dishonest, too.